Written Group Thraphy

27/3/13

Yesterday my dear Eli celebrated 46.

I feel better than ever, as if  I'm not really sick. As if I did not go through my first chemotherapy treatment almost two weeks ago. Passover eve was very nice. I received compliments on my new (short hair) appearance. Everyone was happy. At the end of the evening we left Michael and Avi with Grandma and Grandpa in Jerusalem. Sweet David changed his mind at the last moment. "I'm little" he explained, and was torn between his desire to stay as his big brothers away from Mom and Dad and very non sympathetic though he would be torn from us for a few days. So little David and big brother Yossi, retured with us to Tel Aviv city. David will light up our days and make Eli the happiest person when he will sing birthday songs on his birthday.

I decided to email my dear Dutch instagram followers who were wondering about my sudden disappearance from there, and thank them for their prayers and healing wishes. 

I started thinking about  the positive way my written expression in front of friends and family, affects me with my illness. It looks like I invented some sort of written group therapy that could be a replacement for an actual therapist, just like that. I believe my mental strength would have not lasted without these great people - relatives and almost total strangers - being such an excited responsive audience thanking me and saying they draw strength from my words.

My personal decision to win this battle is one thing, but making a public statement in front of different people, most of them very dear to me, had forced me into a commitment. Such a commitment which is very hard to break. I do believe it's a matter of character but I also believe that regardless of ones nature, one can and should try this method in similar cases. It's like a magic circle. I really feel good most of the days since I received  the orange juice infusion. I do not know if one feeds the other - the statement that everything is not that bad along with the relatively good physical feeling - it's working and that's what matters.

What encourages me to think on the bright side, is the will to stay someone who inspite of her illness, can feel good and be happy, and not become pathetic. There no such satisfaction when I realize I can do something in return for the concern of my friends and family for me, through writing and sharing what I'm going through. The decision to be happy and not break down was influenced allot by my dearest Eli who requested from me this one thing - to try to be happy, otherwise my sadness will break his heart. And I tried and I keep trying. There are always reasons to be happy, we only have to be able to retrieve them from the pile of worries  we usally deal with in our life.

Haircut

03/24/13

The day I was so afraid of has become one of the happiest days since I had discovered my illness. I went with Moran to the wig shop intending to remove my hair that was about to fall out soon enough. I hesitated whether to remove all of it or leave a short haircut. "The only difference are the clips" said Ronit the hairdresser. Really? So please bring me the clips that enable the wig to attach to real hair, and fix me up with a nice haircut so I can wear the wig only when needed. After all, religious girls wear wigs over their natural hair all the time, no?

"Make it a "Barbara" haircut", said Rivka the owner. And Ronit cut it short at the back leaving a respectable mane of hair in the front, one that makes my head looks fresh and young - the spitting image of my son Yossi who will turn 15 soon. I personally cut his hair a month ago and was amazed to discover a beautiful young man hidden underneath very long hair which had reached the length of a woman's hair, and, which covered his face and gave him the look of an introverted and withdrawn child .

And so it happened to me, who never dared to change and shorten my hair style, to stare at my completely new image, and receive compliments from all around me. I even forgot the actual reason we were gathered here today ....

Once again I made a switch in my mind. I am now having a haircut, though, also taking a wig as a backup. This new hairstyle will last for Passover eve, and probably the rest of the holidays. For two weeks I will be able to enjoy my new image. Grab compliments, enjoy the moment and not think about the time when it will all disappear for a while, until it grows back again. I went happily with Moran to a coffeeshop, my new hairstyle grants me a special mood, and I had dared to be happy.

We came back for the final measurements of the wig, giving it a nice hairstyle. Reluctantly, I decided to go out with the wig and to show up at home to present it to my mother, Eli and the kids. Then - in front of everyone - I pulled it off my head revealing the real surprise - my new hairstyle which appealed to everyone.

The final days before the holiday were good. I could hardly sense the chemotherapy in my body. I had enough energy to do the final polishing up of the house for the holiday. I felt good and I was happy.

I thank God who gave me strength and energy to enjoy the holiday. To be able to show off my strength, and to prove it was not fake, but, was the result of truly feeling good, both mentally and physically. The road is not too difficult, for now. I have nothing to complain about.